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The devil went down to DevOps

7 reasons why developers should consider selling their souls

Adam Hatch
Faust
If you want to cross the bridge, my sweet, you've got the pay the toll. Businessperson signing contract image via Shutterstock.

Tired of the tedious, unglamorous drudge work of programming? Then why don’t you try and sell your soul to the devil?

If you’re a developer you know that your job can be one of the most tedious, difficult, and least glamorous professions available. This isn’t fair – you spent hundreds and thousands of hours building those finger muscles, and it’s about time you got some respect around here. Listen, I’m with you, but the general perception of what a developer is simply isn’t going to change without some supernatural intervention.

So, with that being the case, why don’t you try and sell your soul to the devil?

People have been doing it for centuries, and let’s be honest – it’s pretty metal. Plus, if you do sell your soul, you can ask for any number of benefits and still get to do work you like and are good at. “What benefits?” you ask? Well, allow me:

1. By “bug” you mean “feature”

What if you could turn all of your mistakes into assets? That’s what asshole self-help writers tell you to do anyway right? Well, take a page out of their book, sign over that soul, and watch as all your “bugs” become “features.” People would love that your app barely works! Your errors will be seen as benefits, and you’ll be poached by all the top companies. You literally can do no wrong.

2. Who needs sleep?

How many cups of coffee do you drink a day at work? Red Bull? Lines of Adderall? Let’s be real, keeping your head in your work and avoiding dozing off is a real challenge in the world of programming. One solid reason for cashing in your everlasting soul is to avoid needing sleep, meaning you can work round the clock without your eyes getting heavy. Remember, you can sleep when you’re dead (that is, if Lucifer ever gives you a break from an eternity of nightmarish suffering).

3. Get laid

I’m just going to get right to it – developers aren’t the best known for wooing members of the opposite sex. For whatever reason, pallid complexions and bad posture aren’t in high demand. I don’t get it either. But that’s no big deal; instead just sell that soul and turn into a computer-literate Casanova. If you don’t believe me, know it’s been done before. Ever heard of  Niccolo Paganini? Guy was a pale, lanky, orchestra geek who by all rights should have been getting wedgies as far back as the French Revolution, but instead he was a huge hit with the ladies. Why? If you didn’t immediately guess soul-sellin’ you haven’t been paying attention.

4. Know all tech trends til you retire

How great would it be to always be able to predict the tastes, demands, and trends of future markets? Tech companies like Facebook, Google, and PayPal all did, and their owners are some of the richest people on Earth and they’re widely hailed as geniuses. So what if you could do this again and again for the rest of your career? You’d build a literal tech empire and no one in your family would know what “bills” were for generations. So, again, at the risk of beating this horse to death, think about getting in contact with Beelzebub and you can probably work it out.

5. Backwards compatibility

Isn’t it neat when you write an app and then it’s only compatible with the most up-to-date browser versions, which means no one can actually use it because no one actually updates their browsers until their computer basically forces them to? How many hours have you wasted trying to synchronize code to be compatible with old versions of Internet Explorer? If you just filled out a Soul Bill of Sale form and did a little blood magic seance, your backwards compatibilty problems would be over.

6. Serenity now

But seriously, how frustrating is being a developer? How many times have you come THIS CLOSE to putting your fist through your flatscreen? Maybe used a laptop as a discus? It’s understandable. So instead of pulling a Lloyd Braun and going postal at your office, consider writing that old soul off in exchange for patience of carbon steel. You’ll never hurl your mouse across the room again.

7. Get more done

Perhaps the biggest challenge for developers is being able to get everything done, and done well. Blank Page Syndrome might leave you spinning your wheels, your boss could be spouting off about the Scrum method, your project lead could be all kinds of suck – whatever. But if you hand that soul over to Old Scratch himself, you could work it out so every time you put fingers to keys you produce focused, elegant works of digital mastery.

 

TL:DR — Sell your soul, get sweet stuff. And maybe a little action.

 

Disclaimer: Don’t actually try to sell your soul to the devil. It can’t be done. We’ve tried. Happy April Fools’ Day.

Author

Adam Hatch

Adam Hatch is a writer and editor at LegalTemplates.net, a legal documents company that strives to simplify the complex world of law and business for everyday people. His work has been featured on sites ranging from Patheos to SitePoint to YoungUpstarts. When he’s not designing legal templates and writing overwrought satire, he’s likely reading, hiking, or exploring his city.


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